This Land is Your Land

This Land Is Your Land

by Sal Moriarty

Find a nest in the hills, chill like Flint

Buy an old drop top, find a spot to pimp... Kid Rock

Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you? Hulk Hogan

I've altered my online behavior in recent weeks. Instead of averting my eyes and clicking X when the MSN homepage appears, I take a few minutes to peruse the latest offerings in the way of American culture.

One headline that caught my eye: “Forget Buc-ee's, Here Are 7 Better Gas Stations”. It was posted by The Coconut Mamma, evidently the go-to folk when it comes to rating gas stations.

Turns out Wawa is better than Buc-cee's. It has a better rewards program. Sheetz (be careful when you say it) is also preferable to Buc-cee's. They have a fantastic frozen foods section. Fuel City is superior to Buc-cee's, as well. Their fried pies are excellent, and they serve – wait for it – Little Caesars pizza. They also get points for their inventive name, which edged out Gasoline Store.

So, take that Buc-cee's!

“RFK Jr. Said Heroin Made Him a Top-of-Class Student” is a headline you might not see in twenty lifetimes. Unless of course, RFK Jr. exists in each of those lifetimes (just my luck), then it's guaranteed.

“It worked for me, and if it still worked, I'd still be doing it,” the future health secretary of the United States said concerning the benefits of smack.

There's nothing unique about the offspring of the mega-wealthy becoming dope fiends. That said, if because of his influence, my prescription drug plan approves coverage for meth and PCP, that will be different.

How about this ad? “A Blast From The Past! Atari's Classics From AARP Games”. AARP Games? Man, the preferred benefits of the elderly have really changed in recent years.

Another attention-getter: “13 Red Flags At A Buffet”.

First buffet red flag? Hot foods aren't hot and cold foods aren't cold.

Call me a contrarian, but wouldn't that be a red flag for any meal? I mean, if my pork chop at Outback Steak House comes out under a thin layer of ice, is that OK?

Then this, from something called American Charm: “15 Biggest Stereotypes About Mid-Westerners That Simply Aren't True”.

I took the bait and clicked the link. It led to a blank screen. See, all stereotypes about mid-westerners are true. Every last one.

Then, finally: “Women Engage In Mass Primal Scream In Wake of Trump Victory”.

“Release our pain!” tone deaf morons are purported to have screamed across Lake Michigan, evidently baffled as to how they could have possibly lost an election to a womanizing draft dodger from New York City.

Scrolling through the vast array of nonsense available to every American at a moment's notice, I thought of something my mom used to say: garbage in, garbage out.

So old fashioned.