The Big Announcement from Sal Moriarty
In the interest of full disclosure, if you are the type of person who, given the chance, would enthusiastically attend a political rally for either of the major presidential candidates, this is not for you. I had no idea a large swath of the population had been dropped on their heads as babies. Tragic.
If you're a person who wants to see what's under the hood with RFK Jr., I can save you the trouble. Nothing. The brain-worm guy, with the dead bear story, and famous last name, is about as deep as a grave dug by a serial killer. Imagine the offspring of Oliver Stone and Goober Pyle. Sadly, I'd guess, The Big Announcement is probably not for you either.
For everyone else, as those folks head off to wire more money to Nigerian royalty, I am asking for your vote in November. That's right. I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. I have no party, which is kind of the point. Many tried to dissuade me from making a run, but if a philandering, reality show host from New York City can convince factory workers and churchgoers in Texas he's on their side, anything is possible.
I'll get straight to the point. After I take the oath in January, I will issue the following executive orders. I am confident, once you review them, you'll check the box for Ol' Sal in November.
We will immediately erect thousands of big screen televisions on this side of the border with Mexico, facing south, from the Gulf of Mexico to the Pacific Ocean. The TVs will broadcast, non-stop, the live streams of Fox News and MSNBC. People attempting to enter the country illegally will either become zombie-like slaves to the broadcasters, or immediately begin fighting amongst themselves. Either way, the illegal immigration problem is solved. We have to take what works with Americans and apply those concepts to larger challenges
Once the order is signed, effective immediately, it will be illegal for grown men to go out in public dressed like twelve-year-old boys. I am sure you feel the same; sick of sitting in a restaurant, exposed to hairy leg tattoos, thirty-year-old varicose veins, and filthy toenails staring up through flip flops as you cut into your steak.
On the subject of tattoos, all existing tattoos on Americans will be grandfathered in, but new tattoos on any American over the age of twenty-one (being generous) will mean a sentence of five years hard labor and a mandated reeducation course, tentatively titled You're Not Young, You're Not Cool, You Never Will Be Again – It's Over for You.
The use of the word literally will be limited to its literal meaning. So, if you find yourself in conversation and someone says, when discussing that awkward time they left the house in mismatched socks, “I literally thought I was going to die of embarrassment”, you will call a designated number (think 9-1-1) and a special militia (currently training in Idaho) will take the person into custody and begin deportation proceedings.
All Americans will be required to take a course in basic mathematics (you will be unable to renew your driver's license, or shop at Walmart, if you have not been certified). The order has many objectives, but the primary goal will be to prevent citizens from referring to old people as middle-aged. The course will teach citizens to take an age, say fifty-three, multiply it by two, and successfully land on the age of one-hundred-six. They will then be taught to take that number and compare it to the average life expectancies in the United States (about 73 years for men, 79 for women). The course is tentatively titled Fun With Math (You're Closer to Death Than You Think).
When dining out, it will be illegal for any person to place their phone on speaker and carry on a conversation. I am confident those reading this have planned a nice night on the town, including dinner at a fancy restaurant, only to be interrupted by an inconsiderate bonehead sitting nearby, discussing the results of his colonoscopy just as your hot fudge desert arrives. In such circumstances, under my executive order, the manager of the establishment will be required to retrieve a fire extinguisher, proceed to the offending table, and smash the phone into oblivion. Following a prison sentence, not to exceed twenty years, offenders will have access to landline phones only, for as long as they shall live.
Not an executive order, but important, the Woke phrase Cultural Appropriation will not be banned. For the uninitiated. according to some liberals, this is a process by which members of one culture (loosely defined) encounter (usually) the art of another culture (loosely defined) and incorporate it into their own art/work. Many, of a left leaning persuasion, consider it to be a high crime. An example of Cultural Appropriation was Elvis Presley (white) being influenced by Rhythm and Blues (mostly the work of black artists) and incorporating it into his music. Another example, jazz artists, such as Duke Ellington, being influenced by European classical composers (mostly white, all dead) and incorporating their work into his music. In the Woke world, there is no place for artists such as Charley Pride or George Michael. Many of my advisors recommended, on day one of my administration, I issue an executive order banning the use of the phrase Cultural Appropriation. I feel, however, it is a useful tool in identifying stupid people.
Finally, I will issue the centerpiece of my executive orders. It will be called the What Would Jesus Do? order. I think you will agree, Jesus is much revered in these United States. I think you will also agree, most Americans either don't know, or don't care, what he had to say. We're going to fix that. There will be a special unit (currently training at an undisclosed location north of Flagstaff, Arizona) patrolling the streets of America. When they encounter supposed followers of Christ Our Lord not loving their enemies (Matthew 5:44), not understanding as they do unto “the least of these” they do also to Him (Matthew 25: 40), and/or unwilling to sell their possessions, give the proceeds to the poor, and follow Him (Matthew 19:21), a member of the special unit will place a scarlet H on their foreheads with a permanent marker. As with the aforementioned stupid people, important to know who the hypocrites are.
So that's it. That's my pitch. If I don't make it on every state's ballot, write me in. Sal Moriarty. In my younger years, I never thought I'd be worthy of the office of President of the United States, but as the adulterers and draft-dodgers have accumulated, well, it doesn't seem like such a lofty goal. Or office.
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